John Dehlin is Still a Mormon AND an Ex-Mormon

In a Chaim Potok sort of Way.

When does a Jew stop being a Jew? I am Mormon as a Jew is Jewish.

Not as a “race”, but as an ethnoreligious group.

Recently I stated in a podcast episode that I still consider myself to be “Mormon,” and that occasionally I still feel the urge to attend my local LDS Sacrament Meeting. I also stated my opinion that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints still does significant good in the world, in spite of the harm that it also causes certain groups in the church such as (some) women, LGBTQ people, racial minorities, and abuse victims.

While I believe that most of my family, friends, and regular listeners/viewers are very familiar with these these positions of mine, some ex-Mormons expressed outrage, to the point of calling me “disgusting” and a “traitor.” Some even cancelled their donations to Mormon Stories Podcast, and said that my 20 year legacy with Mormon Stories Podcast was now destroyed. Still others called me “brainwashed” or a victim of “Stockholm Syndrome.”

I think I understand the anger/outrage. It largely comes from people who have experienced the most harm from the church….and/or who have not yet healed from their traumatic past.

If you are angry at me….be angry. Just know that these positions of mine are not new. I’ve held them for the entire 20 years that I’ve been producing Mormon Stories Podcast. In fact, these are positions I’ve held for the better part of 35 years.

While at Brigham Young University (1990), and after a somewhat abusive LDS mission experience, I was introduced to the work of Chaim Potok. Potok wrote several novels about the clash between the Jewish faith and modernity.

The first Chaim Potok book I read (for a BYU Honors Colloquium Class) was “My Name is Asher Lev,” and since then I have also read The Chosen, The Promise, and Davita’s Harp. These books thoughtfully recount historical controversies within the Jewish faith over issues like scriptural inerrancy and historicity, science vs. truth claims, religious identity, boundary maintenance, feminism, activism within the faith, and even atheism — issues that I cover regularly on Mormon Stories Podcast. I cannot recommend these books highly enough.

From Potok I also learned about Reform Judaism, which (as I understand it) is the largest branch of Judaism in the United States. In Reform Judaism, you DO NOT have to believe that:

• Judaism is the “one true faith.”

• The Torah or Talmud are perfect, or even historical.

• Moses (the alleged founder of Judaism) was a historical person.

• God exists.

Reformed Jews have female, LGBTQ, and ATHEIST rabbis, and some in the faith (as I understand it) are anti-Zionist.

Please think about this for a second. In the largest group of Judaism in the United States, you do not have to believe in God, a literal Moses, or even keep kosher or shabbat (the sabbath). And yet they still call themselves Jews…and many of them still practice a modern form of Judaism. And perhaps most importantly to this essay, none of us would dare to argue with them about whether or not they are Jewish.

Going even further with the comparison, there is a joke I once learned from a Jewish friend. In essence, he said to me:

Question: What do you call an atheist Jew?
Answer: A Jew.

Anyone who knows my story knows that my wife (Margi) and I stayed active in the LDS Church for the better part of 14 years (from 2001 to 2015) AFTER concluding that the Mormon church was not what it claimed to be (i.e. God’s one true church on the earth with exclusive authority). This includes all 10 years of my church activity as Mormon Stories Podcast host prior to my excommunication (2005 to 2015). Even then, it wasn’t me who left the Mormon Church. It was the LDS Church who kicked me out for being unwilling to take down my podcast, and for advocating for historical transparency (i.e. informed consent), same-sex marriage, and female ordination in the church.

So if I no longer believed that the LDS Church was God’s one true church as far back as 2001, and if I saw enough harm in the church to start Mormon Stories Podcast back in 2005, why did I stay active in the church? And why did I continue to call myself a Mormon back then? I’ll tell you:

• I am a 6th or 7th generation Mormon, whose ancestors joined the church in Europe or in Ohio/Illinois, and who crossed the plains as Mormon pioneers.

• These ancestors helped settle Utah and Idaho.

• My maternal grandmother Karma Benson Parkinson (who I knew) was the daughter of a third polygamous wife (of four wives). Through her I am a blood cousin to former Mormon prophet Ezra Taft Benson.

• I was raised in a completely devout (though chaotic) Mormon family.

• After my parents’ divorce (in middle school), my local LDS ward and stake provided me with community, friends, identity, morality, meaning, purpose, support, and adult mentors — all of which were deeply meaningful to me at the time.

• Some of the most joyful memories of my life are from the LDS-sponsored Youth Conferences, Road Shows, Temple Trips, Dance Festivals, and ward/stake dances of my Mormon youth. My memories of singing in primary and Sacrament Meeting, attending General Conference, and watching the Mormon Tabernacle Choir were and remain deeply meaningful to me.

• In my youth, I found deep spiritual and moral value from studying LDS Scripture, attending church and seminary, attending General Conference, reading the Ensign, and serving an LDS mission.

• I consider my university experience at BYU to have been nothing short of exceptional.

• I met my wife in a Mormon context, and I and my children would literally not exist without Mormonism (Margi is a convert).

• Most of my immediate and extended family remains active and faithful LDS.

• Even my ex-Mormon friends and family constantly want to discuss LDS Church history and/or Mormon-themed current events. Many of the ex-Mormons I know care more about Mormon history and LDS current events than actual faithful Latter-day saints.

I am who I am in large part due to my Mormon heritage and upbringing. To hate Mormonism in many ways would be to hate myself. Full stop.

I view the LDS Church as I do an abusive parent. The church (in effect) brought me into existence and raised me…and at times has hurt and/or abused me. BOTH are true.

Perhaps more significantly, I see the Mormon people (current and former church members) as my siblings/family. I feel a kinship to current and ex-Mormons. I just do. And I always will.

A liberal, secular, or cultural Jew is still a Jew. And in a similar way, I consider myself to still be a Mormon. For me, Mormonism doesn’t “wash off.” And in spite of the harm and deception I have personally experienced, I do not feel resentment for my Mormon upbringing. I am not ashamed of my Mormonism. In fact, I feel significant gratitude for it. Warts and all.

Mormonism (which in my mind includes ex-Mormonism) is my tribe….my “people”…my family. And it will always be so.

And so….for as long as I live….I am not deserting or abandoning my family. Instead, I will do all I can to: 1) help the LDS Church do less harm, and 2) help my Mormon siblings get along better, and strive to live happier and healthier lives. For me, that’s the Mormon way. And as LDS Prophet Russell M. Nelson recently denounced the Mormon identity churchwide as a “victory for Satan,” I feel even MORE comfortable claiming and owning my Mormon identity.

Some will say that this makes me “disgusting,” or “brainwashed,” or a “traitor.” I do not feel the need to dignify those insults. And I also do not expect other people who have been more harmed by Mormonism than me to embrace this identity. This is a personal decision for me. My wife and kids feel 100% differently than I do. And that’s great.

Am I insensitive to the harm that the LDS Church causes and has caused to women, LGBTQ people, people of color, and abuse victims? I don’t think so. In fact, by now I’ve published well over 10,000 hours of audio and video content shining a light on the ways that the institutional LDS Church has or continues to harm these people, and I have no current plans to stop. If you want to call me a traitor or brainwashed…let’s compare your advocacy and impact on the church to mine. On the Mormon “activism” or “allyship” front, I sleep relatively well at night…even as I remain committed to further learning and improvement.

To conclude….

• I am a Mormon, AND I am an ex-Mormon.

• I believe that the LDS Church does a great deal of BOTH good AND harm in the world.

• I believe that the LDS Church saves lives AND (unintentionally) kills people.

• I am frustrated at the LDS Church’s resistance to change AND I am impressed with its many recent improvements.

• I believe that the LDS Church is hemorrhaging many of its most faithful members AND I believe that the church is so wealthy and powerful that it will remain a force for good (and evil) for generations to come. In short, the LDS Church is not going ANYWHERE.

• Consequently, with Mormon Stories Podcast I plan to continue shining a light on the bad and good within LDS Church doctrine, theology, culture, policy, etc. AND I sometimes still miss fellowshipping, singing hymns, and doing service projects with my fellow Latter-day Saints.

Both. And. Both. And. Both. And. I think we all need to get better at using these conjunctions. And not just in religious contexts.

And yes. I hope to continue occasionally attending sacrament meeting (like I did last week when my step-mother sang a Christmas song).

To conclude: I am a Mormon AND I am an excommunicated former LDS Church member. I’m a podcaster/activist spotlighting problems in Mormonism AND I love my LDS and ex-LDS brothers and sisters. Most of all, as of late, I’m trying my best to be a Mormon peacemaker and a bridge-builder, and if that destroys my legacy and/or podcast…then let my legacy and/or podcast be destroyed. I care more about my family than I do my podcast or legacy.